where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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