Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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