Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
