It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
