we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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