i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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