Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
