I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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