someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
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