If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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