and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
