I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize