my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
