Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
All I want is dick and wine.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
