Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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