I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
