she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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