my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
