this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Your cock deserves a montage
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
