I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
