I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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