I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
