i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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