Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
