plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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