I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
