you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
