im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
