it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
