Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
