I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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