Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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