WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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