I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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