shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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