shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
