I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
