you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize