You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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