I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
