i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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