the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
