So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
