she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
