so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
