What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
