I wish I could teleport
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A+ Viking dick
Randomize
