I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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