JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
