dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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