i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
