i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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