I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
