the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
