Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize