I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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