I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
