FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
