so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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